The Golden Boy A Lance McClain Story
by BlackbirdBlue101
Summary: Lance was told to always be like Keith. "Why can't you be quieter!" "Why are you so competitive!" "Why can't you be more like Keith?" He slowly tore himself apart from the inside out. Eventually, deciding he wasn't wanted. Deciding that if he changed himself, how he acted, what he did, maybe, just maybe they would love him. Maybe they would care. But what he didn't notice, was he


_Lance was told to always be like Keith. "Why can't you be quieter!" "Why are you so competitive!" "Why can't you be more like Keith!?" He slowly tore himself apart from the inside out. Eventually, deciding he wasn't wanted. Deciding that if he changed himself, how he acted, what he did, maybe, just maybe they would love him. Maybe they would care. But what he didn't notice, was he was losing himself. Losing everything he had built up over the years. And in time, he couldn't even remember who he used to be. What he used to be. Why he used to be._

**WARNING: CONTAINS SELF-HARM, CONNOTATIONS ELUDING TO SUICIDE, SELF-DEPRIVATION, BASICALLY A SHITSTORM OF FUCKED UP-NESS THAT IS SAD AND NOT HAPPY.**

Enjoy I guess?

* * *

Flying the Red Lion wasn't as easy as it looked. It wasn't as calming as the Blue Lion. It didn't hum melodies to calm him down or allow him to focus. He could barely see straight. So when they went to train and couldn't form Voltron for the umpteenth time, somebody had to snap.

"LANCE! What are you doing!? Pay attention! I get it, you're having a tough time! But everyone is! So shape up and at least **try!**" Lance flinched, hanging his head in shame as more and more comments were thrown his way as the session neared its end and they still hadn't formed Voltron. He was pushed passed as everyone else sat down while Allura and Coran told him off for 'not paying attention' or for 'not trying hard enough.'

"Yes Ma'am." He finally spoke before walking away. '_Maybe,' _he thought, '_Maybe if I act more like Keith, like our leader, like the one who can't make mistakes, maybe they will stop… Maybe I can sleep at night...' _So, he did just that. He went straight to the training deck.

At dinner, nobody noticed, except for Hunk, that Lance wasn't there. Allura wouldn't stop stressing over their plans for the future, unable to see clearly without their lovable idiot pointing out any loopholes in her 'flawless' plan, Pidge felt more enclosed as there was no wild laughter to fill the void after her sad attempts at jokes. Everyone thought he was sulking. He'd been told off, it seemed like something the child-like Lance would do. So they ignored it.

Lance had been up all night, training and training. He forced himself to go further, eventually reaching level fifteen by the morning. He missed breakfast, then lunch. Nobody noticed he was missing. Still thinking he was sulking. So, when it came to training and Lance was there, they just thought he at least had the respect to show up for Training.

Lance was practically perfect when flying the Red Lion now, nobody had to tell him what to do, or anything. So, when he was expertly shooting down Galra ships and killing the generals or commanders without batting an eyelash, Pidge thought it couldn't have been Lance, because Lance couldn't hold off twelve ships let alone and entire battleship while she stole the necessary files, right? Because Lance was just the lovable idiot who took on everyone else's problems and made it his job to fix them. Because Lance didn't train in his spare time, or miss meals, or skip the beauty session that kept his skin flawless to remember his sisters because he was homesick. And because that just wasn't Lance.

Eventually, everyone snapped, quipping snide remarks at each other, arguing and bickering like there was no tomorrow- forgetting about the teammate that kept them together for so long. Then, one day, Shiro came back. Albeit with white hair, but it was still the same Shiro they knew. So when he asked where Lance was, he was concerned when they said they didn't know. Soon enough, they found him in the training room, entering only to hear: **"Level 41"** bounce off of the walls as Lance moved at an inhuman rate around the room, shooting all of the monsters weak points until the creature was dead and he was stood victorious, his face devoid of emotion, of care, or hope, of love. Everyone was gobsmacked at his skill increase as Shiro gave Lance a hug, "Well done Lance! You've improved so much, I bet you'll be glad to go back to the Blue Lion again though?" In that moment, Lance nearly forget which Paladin he was until Shiro said that. He nodded in response.

"Yes Sir." He left and didn't attend dinner once more. It was tense and Hunk couldn't bare it anymore. The one person who looked after them all, cheered them up, vented Keith's anger and took on everything all at once had changed completely. Hunk broke that night, sobbing for hours until he could sleep, he was losing the only thing keeping him stable to the man himself.

Soon enough, everything toppled and people bit at each other harder than before. "ALLURA WE AREN'T LIKE YOU! WE CAN'T JUST CONSTANTLY TRAIN! LOOK AT US!"

"WELL YOU NEED TO! LOOK AT YOU ALL! ALL YOU DO IS LAZE AROUND!"

"WELL WE'RE ALL FED UP! OR ARE YOU SNAPPING? OR IS IT SHIRO? KEITH? HUNK? OR HELL! EVEN-" Pidge paused as she trailed off at the end, looking around the room as she realized, "Or even… Lance..." Everyone quickly ran out of the room, searching everywhere until they heard a sob wrack the castle. Quickly, everyone ran to where Pidge was, only to find Lance. Passed out on the floor, cuts lining his arms and an extremely pale complexion, "H-He..."

A few weeks later, Lance was awake, but everyone could tell he wasn't who he used to be. Without even realising it, he began hurting himself, torturing himself to get rid of the conscience in the back of his mind telling him to stop. To take a breather. To go back in time and be himself. In turn, he locked it away and slowly crumbled under the force of his own mind. "Lance?"

Lance looked up from his bed to see all of his teammates by his bedside as Pidge spoke, "Why? Why would you do it?"

Lance barely registered what she meant until he saw his arms. He saw what he'd done to himself and sobs tore him apart. "I did what you asked! I- I trained harder! I missed meals so that I could meet your standards! And yet… I still couldn't do it… I wasn't good enough again… I wasn't..." More cries of despair and anguish echoed around the room as Lance stared at his teammates with love and compassion but a lack thereof for himself.

Allura sucked in a deep breath as Keith's eyes widened, "You..." He suddenly remembered all the times he verbally shunned Lance and how Lance just took it, firing comments back, how he reminded Pidge and Allura that somebody still cared, that somebody still had hope. Then he remembered how that voice, that sound of care slowly faded until the collapse of the team, until they never even had to say Lance's name because he did everything asked of him. Why would they need to? They forgot how much they needed him until he was gone. Because he wasn't just the lovable idiot who could take crap and not get hurt. Because he'd been hurt before. And here he was again, with fresh wounds. All because of them. Keith let a single tear slip from his eye as Lance continued his despair in silence, how he kept scratching at his arm without realising. How that night, Lance left. He took a pod and left, no food, no water. Just him and the endless void of space. Where he could finally end what he'd become the only way he knew how. Everything always comes full circle back to way back when they knife was against his wrist, back to when he had someone else's shoulder to lean on and it wasn't one sided. Where he didn't feel so… isolated.

Team Voltron woke the next morning to find a note. A note that broke the world they'd made for themselves: '_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I could never be good enough. I'm sorry I couldn't be like Keith or Hunk or any of you. This is for the best. Maybe I'll see you again some day. Maybe I'll be myself again when you see me. Maybe… I can finally get rid of the thoughts in my head. The thoughts of self-worth and… I'm sorry. I never deserved any of you. I've been ungrateful and I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for everything you did for me to get me this far. Thank you. But, I can't anymore. I… Look after each other and don't do something I wouldn't do.._

_Love Lance,_

_the lovable idiot, the blue paladin.'_


End file.
